NB: Possible TRIGGER WARNING
In response to my previous post
My dear, dear anxiety. What am I to do with you?
I need to start by explaining to you that I know you have a place in my life. But you seem to be confused by where that place is. You're right, I do need you. But not as much as you insist. You see, I need to be able to make mistakes, decisions and not be scared of outcomes because that is the purpose of life. To learn by thoughts and actions and reactions and experiences.
With you forcing your presence on me, I cannot proceed to learn, to love myself, to love others, to trust in others and myself, to enjoy my time on this Earth. You are making it difficult for me to interact with almost everyone and everything without the fear of being judged or remembered as the girl who acted crazy. Anxiety, you are not being fair.
I do need you. But not like this.
I don't need to be reminded that you are within me. I will call upon you when the time is right. I know you are there and I take comfort in that. But your constant attendance is unnecessary.
When I have an important meeting, you need to let nerves take over, anxiety. There is no need for you to overpower and make things unpleasant. Save yourself for real times of dire. Like if I ever feel I need to flea urgently from a distressing situation. When I truly need you, I will summon you.
I need to be able to feel other emotions. It's not all about you, anxiety. I shouldn't have to apologise for you, because you ARE needed. But in times of happiness, joy, serenity, optimism and love, you need to free me from your grip to enable me to enjoy these emotions. Even during times of sadness, anger, disapproval, remorse and pessimism, you must let me feel them without drawing attention to yourself. You are taking away my freedom to feel when you should be equal to my other emotions. You must wait until you are not surplus to requirements. Wait for fear. I mean real fear. Tangible fear. Only then.
I won't forget about you, anxiety. You are important to me. You have a place that no other emotion can fill. You do your job and you do it well. Too well! With mild comparison to my other emotions, do you see happiness engulfing me at inconvenient times? Or sadness for that matter? They know their place, however, they find it difficult to take the limelight because you are dominant. You need to step down, anxiety. For my benefit.
Because I do need you. But not like this.
The physical ailments you shower me with are unwarranted. Why do you make me feel so bad? I need to feel my best so that when I do summon you, you can do your job justice. So that I have the strength to work with you and so I can thank you with sincerity. Not fear you. If you are my friend, you will take heed of my requests and come down off your pedestal.
The feelings you create are nothing short of overwhelm. I can't feel all of this at once. You expect too much from me, anxiety. You need to know this.
How can I treat you like the rest of my emotions when you insist on being the centre of attention? You see, I am happy when happiness surfaces. I am sad when sadness does also. But you sabotage those feelings because you think you are protecting me. But, anxiety, there is nothing for you to protect me from. They are just feelings. And I need them as much as I need you.
You have become complacent, anxiety. So much so, you have caused a chemical imbalance and a misfire of neurotransmitters. You have created a need to try and reverse the damage that you scatter around with flippancy. It's hard work, anxiety. And it could've been avoided if you had realised your place as an emotion instead of commandeering my persona. Every day you try to prove yourself is a day we could've worked in harmony. You don't need to be present to be.. present.
I do have you to thank for my emotional intelligence though. If it wasn't for your constant intrusion, I would not have understood you. But I do now. You have given me the tools from experience to recognise when you are taking over my body. You have forced me to research and educate myself about you. You have given me the courage to speak out about you and the bravery to share my experiences in order to inspire others. You have made me more mindful and self-aware than I would be if you didn't draw attention to yourself. I am grateful for that. You have shown me that life doesn't always go the way we expect it to go.
Anxiety, you have brought out the worst and the best in me. You have made others show their true colours to me because of your prominent existence. Because of you, I have been able to filter things and people from my life who just have no desire to understand me, you or your place in my life.
But, anxiety, please recognise that you do not need to induce the fight or flight reaction when I am relaxing. Nor when I am sleeping or enjoying my day. You have made yourself known in my life so I am asking you to remain in the distance until its your turn to actually protect me. No more dummy runs! You have done a good job remaining absent thus far. Pass the message on to panic too. For she needs obscurity even more than you do.
You both need to know that I need you, but not like this.
You mistakenly believe that you define me. You don't, anxiety. You never have, contrary to the beliefs of some. But you have created scenarios that would otherwise have never drew breath! I take every lesson you have taught me and will continue to use them to my advantage. Because anxiety, you are not me.
Anxiety, I OWN YOU. With kindness in my heart, Me It's time to take ownership of your anxiety. It does not and never will define you. It is a bodily reaction that you have simply forgotten or not learned how to control. It has engulfed you, wrapping you in its over-protective grip and has consumed you with overwhelming 'nurture'. It has confused itself and has, over time, promoted itself to become the dominant emotion. It has invoked anticipation and fear of its presence and has made you succumb to ill mental health. But you must never give up regaining your sense of self. You are more than your anxiety. You are worthy of everything it has made you think you can't do. You are stronger than your anxiety. You have to believe in yourself because there is only one you on this Earth. You have the power to over-rule anything anxiety makes you feel you can't achieve.
Only ever a message away