Updated: Feb 27
NB: TRIGGER WARNING: Please DO NOT continue reading if you are suffering with heightened anxiety right now Dear You, You know me so well now. But I feel I need to explain in words so that you don't continue your life's journey without me.
I turn up when you least expect it. I plague you with doubt. I make you question your sanity. I ruin your special events. I hinder your potential opportunities. I lack care for all of this and more. You see, I am here to protect you. And protect you, I will. From everything. Yourself. Your friends. Your family. Your relationships. Your dreams and aspirations. Your ability to say no and do so without guilt. Your solutions to problems. Your inhibitions. Your trust and belief in yourself and others. I show you how much you need me by making you light-headed and dizzy. By making you feel sick. By making you shake uncontrollably. By making your mind race with disturbing and intrusive thoughts. By leaving you breathless and making you feel embarrassed and silly and by forcing you to apologise profusely for my presence. I make it so you can’t swallow with ease. So you think you will choke and I invite panic to join in the fun! I make you take longer than necessary to eat. I suck the enjoyment of mealtimes from you so that you know I am here, protecting you. You need me though. And so I will always be here for you. I depersonalise you on purpose. I disconnect you from yourself and others. I fabricate surreal moments and make you reel from them. I discombobulate you. I encourage you to ruminate. To procrastinate until you achieve nothing. But you need me. I will stay with you. Because even when life is good, I must let you know I’m here for you. I must be next to you, my arms wrapped around you in your waking hours. Reminding you that I’m still here when you rest and I must wake you from your slumber just so you know I’m still with you. I will warn you that you aren’t safe. To lock the doors and check them and check them and check them again. I will make you obsess over things and people by whispering to you that you aren’t worthy. I will induce comparison in your mind and make you feel ugly and inferior. I will interpret compliments as backhanded insults and make you believe them and overthink them. I will create habits that are not constructive but are consistent. You need me. And I need you. See, I am your friend. But your beliefs are too dangerous. I can’t let you make decisions based on probability or the unknown. I need you to rehash every scenario, every possible outcome and then come to the conclusion that you just can’t do it. It’s not because I don’t like you. It’s because I don’t want you to make a fool of yourself. You need me. When you are relaxed and watching TV, I will siddle up next to you to make you aware that I’m not going anywhere. You need me. So here I am. You don’t know that you need me so I kindly nudge you so that you remember me. You try to suppress me but I’m too strong for you. I wish you would realise this and just let me in. Don’t struggle. Don’t fight me. You won’t win. You need me. And you need to know this. Remember that time you were driving? I poked you then, didn’t I? I brought along my friend, panic, to help you remember that you need me. Panic is my big sister. She’s stronger than I am. She stops you in your tracks. But she doesn’t stick around for as long as I do. She just drops in every now and then to help me to help you remember I’m here when you need me. She is brutal but we are here to send this message to you. You need us. And we need you. All of those dreams you have, all of those muscle twitches, ticks, obsessive compulsive cognitions, headaches, palpitations, tingling feelings in your limbs, they are all me. I like to affect your vision, your hearing and your digestive system just so you know that you need me. I like to descend a fog over your brain so that you know I’m here for you. I am an expert at making you think you are dying or going crazy. At making you believe that others can see your attempts at covering me up but it’s all because you need me. You. Need. Me. And I need you. I’m your guardian angel. I know I make you feel shit and scared, but it’s necessary to show you that my hand is always in yours. Incase you forget. Incase you make a decision without considering the what if. Incase you actually go to the meeting and come away unscathed. Incase you drive and don’t consider me. Incase you sleep soundly and forget about me. You need me. And I need you. I want to jog your memory when you are laughing. I want you to remember I’m here, watching you. I want you to deflect so that I know you can hear me. I want you to convey out loud that you just aren’t good enough sometimes. But it’s all to protect you, I promise. Imagine the horror of something not going the way you thought? Imagine that. How terrifying! So I’m here for you. By your side. Always. When you are talking to people, I won’t let you look at them. I won’t let them see into your soul because they will see me. So I’ll make myself known by making you fidget instead. Scratching the imaginary itch. Blinking faster than them. Moving the imaginary hair away from your face. Wringing out your fingers like a damp cloth. Tapping your foot like you are impatient. I make your cheeks flush and your palms sweat. Anything to draw attention to me without drawing attention to me. Anything to make people see who you really are. All because you need me. I am here to tell you to keep your guard up. Because if you let it down then you will forget about me. And then what will I do? No. You must let me in and nurture me even though you don’t want to. It’s for your own good. Can you see now? That everything I do is for you. I will fight your battles. I will make you realise that life is a danger zone. That happiness can always be taken away. That love may not always be what you think it is. I will test you to the point of insanity to show you I am here for you. I will make you worry about every detail of your life. I will make you safe. Because I am your friend. You need me. I AM YOU. Yours, Anxiety The next blog post will continue with a response from self...read it here Love always
If you are struggling with anxiety, panic or any other illness of the mind, please reach out to someone you trust to confide in or your medical professional. Please do not suffer in silence. My inbox is always open too.
Alternatively, there are some telephone numbers on my previous post. You can find them by clicking here
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