Anxiety is such a complex condition with so many types of manifestations. Outside influencers massively contribute. I’m talking about those people who like to beat you down. Those who “say” they are there for you but aren’t. Those who get kicks from making you feel like a bat-shit crazy mother effer!! They’re like an add-on that we can purchase for our data on our phones! Only, we don’t have to purchase. We just get handed add-ons. Underhanded, condescending, deceitful, lying add-ons that take our anxiety to new heights! They are more of a virus than an add-on! And if that wasn’t enough, we are then made to feel worse when our reactions become the catalyst for these ‘influencers’ to play with, to turn it all around and to make us feel like we’re wildly insane!!
These people are called narcissists.
They like to maintain to other people that they are perfect. Nothing is their fault. They will never apologise because, hell, they are way too perfect to put a foot wrong so it must be someone else’s fault! But they WILL apologise to people who they look up to. People who they want to impress. But nope, not to those who they are supposed to care for. They mimic. Actions. Personalities. Other people’s success. They copy. They see themselves as superior. They will fool us into thinking they have our backs and when it becomes apparent, particularly to those with anxiety because we are an analytical bunch, that they don’t, we are beaten back down to where we belong. Beneath them!! You see, they cannot be themselves. Because they don’t even know who they are! Yet they are surrounded by people who think they are the best thing since the invention of the wheel! Anxiety is a game of chess to these delusional human beings and it takes a very confused and sadistic mind to carry out such contempt.
A lot of people with anxiety take this kind of manipulation. Because they simply don’t realise they are being manipulated in the first place. Until it’s had a massive impact. Until anxiety sufferers are forced to wake up and smell the coffee!
As an anxiety ‘veteran’ myself I have experienced this narcissism first hand. I've competed to win the support of a narcissist and lost. I've battled with myself because of a narcs demoralisation.
There are too many examples to list in one post and it’s took me a lot of hindsight to realise that I was the centre of a narcissists subtle abuse.
I call it subtle for a reason. Because it was. It is undetectable by outsiders. It is undetectable by close family members. It is nothing new to certain people in the narcissists life because that’s how they were brought up. No emotion. No feelings. Not unless it has a profound impact on how other people perceive them. The need to impress and stand out to peers far outweighs the complexity of sustaining a relationship warts and all.
The narcissist is capable of a lot of things but love, I mean real love, is not on that list.
My anxieties stemmed from 2 factors, I believe. One is that I saw my grandmother go into a fatal coma when I was 3 years old. The other was from an abusive relationship I had in my very early teens. Those two things manifested into health anxiety and fear. Fear that I wasn’t good enough to be loved and respected in a relationship. Fear that I was going to be left. That fear multiplied and I had no idea how to come back from it. Sure, I was reassured with words at times and I’d feel better for a short period. But often times I’d be ignored when I had an opinion or a point to make or I’d be told I’m stupid for feeling the way I felt. To tell someone with anxiety that they are stupid creates more anxiety and feelings of unworthiness which in turn manifests more fear, starting the whole cycle to repeat again and again.
In a loving partnership there should be a mutual understanding. And if there isn’t, it requires work to make ourselves understand. We should WANT to understand the core essence of eachother. We are supposed to bring out the best in eachother. Not the worst.
Narcissism vs anxiety is a constant, draining, exhausting competition that the latter will always lose. ON THE FACE OF IT. The narcissist doesn’t care about anything or anyone but themselves. They idealise. For instance - The Brady Bunch. I mean, The Brady Bunch?! A narcissist will expect his family to be likened to a fictional, only love fuelled, skipping off into the sunset with linked arms family from a 1980’s TV show rather than acknowledge that a REAL LIFE family has ups and downs. Conflicts of interests. Good times as well as bad. Mundane as well as exciting. Contentment and discontentment at times.
To a narc, things and people are either all bad or all good. There is no middle ground. There is no bigger picture. They lack whole object relations.
So you see, anxiety will never prevail over narcissism. ON THE FACE OF IT. It is only when we are forcefully awakened to it that it becomes apparent.
I’m not perfect. But at least I can admit it. I’m a human. I make mistakes and I will probably make more. But I’m self aware enough to educate myself and learn. Trying to get someone who believes “you are the only person who thinks like that” when it comes to fear, anxiety or trying to rationalise your irrational thoughts out loud is like fighting an ever losing battle. It makes learning to manage anxiety and work through anxiety nigh on impossible when you are branded in this way!
It's like pulling the rug from under us time and again. Over and over. When all we want is to be heard, understood, helped, protected and essentially loved and nurtured.
I can assure you that whatever you are thinking, you are NOT the only person who thinks like that. Anxiety produces intrusive thoughts. They are irrational a lot of the time. But they are real thoughts that manifest into beliefs. And the only way to dispel those beliefs is to get perspective. A narcissist will offer perspective but with consequence. They will belittle you in the process. They will make you feel ridiculous. And they won’t forget it. They’ll put that in the memory bank at the back of their selfish mind to use against you later. Your anxiety is the perfect weapon for them to bludgeon you with when they have nothing else to use.
If you have anxiety the best thing you can do is to run from a narcissist as fast as you can. And if the narc has discarded you and tossed you aside like a used tissue, try to see the positive. You no longer have to TEACH this person to want to know you, to appreciate you, to love you. No-one should have to chase love or understanding in a relationship. It should be given freely. No-one should be made to feel like a burden or like they are way down the priority list. Love is love regardless of anxiety. But some people have no capacity to accept others as a package. Anxiety can be worked on and healed and managed. Anxiety does not define a personality. At least, not to a normal person! Narcissism is an ingrained from childhood personality disorder. And a narcissist will never admit they are a narcissist because they don’t even know what it means. They will always favour those who are as shallow as them. Those who they don’t have to ‘learn’ about. Those who seem to have it all. That’s the problem with the narc - they have this idea that other people’s lives are better than theirs! They just do not know what goes on behind closed doors.
The most laughable contradiction I have heard from a narc is “I have anxiety!” This came from someone who never believed in anxiety and depression was “a made up illness!” Infuriating when all I ever needed was understanding.
Do not let them make you believe you are dysfunctional. The narc does not know human behaviour. The human psyche is far too much for their puny brains to grasp. They prefer other narcs who have the same deep rooted issues that they will never admit or face, ever. They do not WANT to know anything that is too complicated to process. Everything is face value. Even their own lives. If it’s new and shiny, the narc will throw you away like a piece of off meat and move on, like the fickle and superficial beings they are, to their next supply. Leaving you distraught and your anxiety catapulted into the outer hemisphere!!
Here’s some things you can do to help yourself, not only with your anxiety but with the feelings of unworthiness that you have been burdened with because of a narc:
Meditate. Wild thoughts will scramble your brain but ALWAYS bring yourself back to your breathing. Let the thoughts come and go. Focussing on breathing grounds us. It feels weird as f*ck and you might cry, but it gets easier the more you do it.
Educate. Learn about the effects of narcissistic behaviour and the impact it has on anxiety. Educating can be rationalising in your own mind. It can be reading or internet searching. Become aware.
Know. Your. Worth! Honestly, you are worth 10 of a narc! You are real. You have feelings. You are in touch with feelings and you express them. And there is nothing wrong with that. You are worth way more than devalue and discard.
Work on you. What do you want? Where do you want to be in a year? What can you focus on that makes you happy? Damn, you’ve tried pleasing the narc who believes happiness takes no effort - who believes their happiness is your responsibility! Time to make YOU happy.
Keep communicating. Some anxiety sufferers communicate too much with the wrong people. Some don’t communicate at all. But please, communicate. And choose consciously to do it with a select few who you trust, who have your best interests at heart. Do not suffer in silence. And do not rely on the narc to relate in any way to your anxieties. They will only make them worse. Do not let yourself be blindsided!
A few book suggestions that can help educate you on your journey, not only with anxiety but with the healing from the open sores the narc has inflicted.
Disclaimer: These are affiliate links that may generate a small commission at no cost to you
Prepare to be tortured is a self-help book to aid the recovery from toxic relations with a narcissist. An insight into the daily functionality of a narc!
Know Your Worth will help build your confidence back up, promote self-esteem and teach you to worry less about what other people think
Good Vibes, Good Life teaches how self-love is the key to unlocking your true potential and is a #1 Sunday Times best seller!
The truth is the narcissist will revel in knowing they have hurt you and not give a damn. They will laugh and tell you that anxiety is no excuse for your ‘behaviour’. Of course anxiety cannot be blamed for everything but it’s amplified when you are literally being stonewalled and/or gaslighted by the person who should have your back.
I know exactly how you feel if you relate to this.
Use this experience to work on your anxiety. Be glad that narc has moved on to their next victim to strive for the ideal that will never be!!
The pursuit of happiness is in OURSELVES. Never take the blame for someone else’s unhappiness. Leave that to the delusional narc.
You are the better person and you always will be. Know this and you’ll be fine. Know this and you will have WON!
All my love
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