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How To Give Up Without Ever Giving Up

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It’s no secret that I’ve been away from the blog for a while. In all honesty, I’ve been having a rough time within my personal life and the effects it has had on my mental health. It’s true that it takes for us to hit rock bottom in order to climb back up, slowly but surely. I hit that point during my time away. And just when I thought I couldn’t go any lower, I hit an all time low.  The thing is - I was a shell of a person. A far cry from who I am and who I’m meant to be. I let my mind wander aimlessly. I let my appearance diminish. I functioned as a mother, just. But I didn’t care about anything else, except everything that was out of my control. And that is - the future. I was scared, I still am to a degree, of what will become of me, my kids, our lives as a family of four. Through support from my dear extended family and friends, I have learned that I am better than this. I have learned to laugh again. I’ve learned that, fuck, I AM good enough! To be who I was put on this Earth to be. To be a fantastic mum, friend, daughter, sister! To truly evaluate my meaning and my calling. To learn from past lessons, present lessons and to keep on learning and never stop. To 'go for it' when I have an idea that might or might not work without the need for validation from anyone else. How though? When does it hit you? How do you know you’ve reached a point when you need to give up but without giving up, even though you are consumed with passion? If we are masters of our own destiny, then why do we need to 'give up'?  Well..  In short, for your mental and physical well-being! What are you currently battling for or with? Is it a relationship with no reciprocation? (I like to call this a relationSHIT!) Is it questioning the unquestionable - as in, the what if’s, the where’s or the why’s? Is it the need to know where we will be in 1, 3 or 5 years down the line? Is it a constant nag in the back of our brain that tells us to anticipate another anxiety attack but we have no idea when or where that will strike? Is it constant wonder what other people think of us or what other people are doing? Do you punish yourself for your ‘heinous’ (in your mind!) crimes that you’ve already been punished for and that you’ve already paid your dues for? Do you constantly compare yourself to others and fail to accept yourself for who you are? Or does someone else compare you to others and make you feel inadequate?  You see, we don’t have the answers. We can never, ever tell what is going to happen in the future. We can’t for the life of us get into someone else’s brain space and read their thoughts. And we need to stop caring what others think for that matter! We also don’t know what is round the corner so to predict where we’ll be in months or years down the road is impossible. We have to accept that we cannot please everyone. We just have to be accepting of ourselves and be the best we can be.  Look, I have had some harsh, uncomfortable, unpleasant lessons to learn and I want to stop you from engaging in the way I did. I’ve made mistakes - hell, I’m only human. But I’ve realised that I have to make peace with myself and acknowledge that I’m not put here to constantly say and feel sorry. I realised that I acted and reacted out of passion and fight for what I believed in. And for that I am not sorry. I fought. I lost. But at least I was true to myself. I am a good person who deserves a whole lot better than the shit-storm I've been landed with! The truth is, we are not mystic to the point where we can control the future. Sure, we have gut feelings which are renowned for being trustworthy. But without concrete proof, what are we to do except what we FEEL is right? We are creative, ambitious beings who have every right to find our happy place and not spend our lives chasing something or someone who was never meant to be in our lives.  For me, it is a time to find me again. It’s to carry on helping you and being arty and creative and expressing myself through my interests. It’s laughing with my children and taking each moment and cherishing them as they arise and knowing that no-one can take away those moments. No hoots given to whatever someone else thinks of me or what they are doing or thinking. From this moment forward it is time to work on me! I will give up on certain people and situations that are out of my control because they are just that... out of my control.  So, let go of people who are committed to misunderstanding you, your anxieties, your sadness and cries for help. Trust only in those who love you unconditionally.  Stop searching for loyalty in the hearts of people who have never known it  Stop chasing those who do not know the essence of you. Comfort is found through our own rational and calm thoughts and from those who offer advice and perspective and only have our best interests at heart.

With support we can get through whatever life throws our way. But we must support ourselves also. Here are some starting points

  1. Acknowledge! Know you cannot predict. Perhaps patterns of behaviour but most definitely not what's in-store in the future. It's time to accept this.

  2. Make a conscious decision to cut yourself some slack. Forgive yourself of past mistakes. Give up those ghosts.

  3. Make a pact with yourself to not think too far ahead. What you'll do today is enough. Don't you think you have enough without worrying about next week, next month, next year, next anything? Learn to live presently.

  4. Grieve. Mourn for the past, for the things you wished you could change, for the way you dealt with things, for the people you lost along the way. Do so for a limited amount of time and then look forward without looking back. Who knows what the future holds!!

  5. Make a commitment to yourself to set small goals and when you reach or exceed them, celebrate. Be proud of yourself, you flippin' well deserve it! And then set the bar ever-so-slightly higher for the next goal. And if you don't reach it, don't sweat. Keep trying. You'll get there. Big breath, try again.

  6. Change. If your current mindset is not working in your favour, change it. Adopt a new outlook. Educate yourself. Read up on self-help. There's phenomenal power in education - a few suggestions are

  • Help With Anxiety: 150 Easy Read Tips to Cope With and Overcome Anxiety, Panic and Worry - Ged Jenkins-Omar is a UK author who has suffered with anxiety himself. He arranged the first ever mental health awareness festival and now works in the charity sector having raised thousands for mental health charities. 10% of proceeds from the sale of his books goes towards the mental health charity - MIND. So you can help others whilst helping yourself. A win-win! An Amazon best seller!

  • You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life - Jen Sincero is a New York Times Number 1 best selling author, speaker and motivational coach. Her book has sold over 2 million copies and continues to grow. If you want no nonsense with an injection of humour, I recommend this book.

  • Happy - Or how about the UK's very own Fearne Cotton. This book is honest and relatable and offers comfort and reassurance that we are indeed not alone in our quest to find happiness!

Be kind to yourself. I mean it. This is a necessity. It is essential for your overall mental health. Meditate. Read. Take your vitamins. Take a long bath with some mineral salts. Cuddle up with the kids and watch a movie - there's nowhere else I'd rather be! Allow yourself to laugh and be silly. Take up a hobby. Whatever. Just be kind to yourself.

Remember, you are a masterpiece! Now go and master your peace!

See how I channel my inner thoughts and creativity here

Lotsa love as always



Please follow @rocandlolabespokeuk over on Instagram

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NB The Not-So-Secret Diary does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any alternate therapy or technique as a replacement form of treatment for physical, mental or any other medical problems by your doctor neither directly or indirectly. The intention of this site is to give information based on personal experience and to offer tools to help the reader in their journey towards spiritual growth and mental and physical well-being. 

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