Too often anxiety makes us apologise for who we are and the things we do or say. Apologising for our opinions, the way we look, the time it has taken to respond to a message, our slightly late arrival to a social event and so on. Do you ever get tired of apologising to other people for who you are perceived to be or who you believe you are because of anxiety?
I do. I did. I won’t again. Because I have learnt that some people will not even notice the cause of which you are apologising for! Sometimes we overthink others patience with us. A few may make you feel small but they don’t matter. What matters is you. How you feel. What you think.
Save your apologies surrounding your anxiety and give them to yourself. You are the most deserving of all the sorries you have within you. Give yourself a break and get to realise that you are just as important as those who you apologise to.
My sorries to myself and to you if you relate:
I am sorry that you have been through what you’ve been through. For what you saw and for your misunderstandings. I’m sorry for the subconscious pattern beginning to form in your sponge like mind when you were just a child. For the worry of dying young, for the soul destroying moments that could’ve been joyous. I'm sorry for the pain you believed to be sinister and for the ridicule you were subjected to because of that.
I’m sorry for the boy who ruined your perception of a relationship. For the impact it had without your young mind even knowing it. I’m sorry your destiny from then on was wrongly written in the stars in terms of how you saw yourself. I’m sorry you suffered later from all the things anxiety taught you about yourself. For the recurring nightmares, for the feelings of helplessness, for the sense of impending doom. For the belief that you could not change and that you were your anxiety.
I’m sorry for panic ridden episodes you endured out of nowhere. For the breathless nights and for the fear of days. I’m sorry for the tears you cried in secret. For the headaches and the puffy eyes the next day. I’m sorry for the times you wanted to enjoy but couldn’t for the life of you because anxiety wouldn’t allow you. I’m so sorry you thought your life was going to be this way forever.
I’m sorry for the tingling feelings and the restless legs and the arrhythmia. I’m sorry for the overthinking and overreaction and the gut feeling that wasn’t a gut feeling at all. Or maybe it was but you were so full of questions that you could never differentiate. I’m sorry for the constant worry. For being afraid of what others thought and for holding you back when you had ideas, ideas that could’ve given you the wings to fly so high! I’m sorry for anxiety making you believe you aren’t lovable or unique enough to be entitled to be loved. I’m sorry for that. For the barriers, the defences, the walls.
I’m sorry you didn’t believe in yourself enough to pursue your dreams earlier. For your inability to look at yourself and like what you see. I’m sorry you didn’t know how intelligent and kind and funny you are way back when. I’m sorry you had to seek out reassurance to the point of annoyance and for questioning yourself into self doubt. And I’m sorry on behalf of others who just couldn’t fulfil friendships in some way or another. I’m so sorry for that.
I’m sorry for the repulse you felt when you looked at your body. The body that was always working with you and not against you. The body that housed 3 babies and gave life to them. The body that got you through. The body that is still fighting for you and is still breathing for you and enabling you to move and express yourself through actions and transport you anywhere you want to go. The body you have come to admire. It’s took you a long time but you got there.
I’m sorry that you didn’t believe compliments and found it hard to trust. I’m sorry you’ve made mistakes and paid for them repeatedly. I’m sorry you still didn’t see your worth and let anxiety over power you. I’m so sorry that you let others walk over you to make you feel inadequate and I’m sorry you reacted badly to that and made others see exactly what you are not.
I’m sorry that you’ve lost hope in the past and have given in to anxiety. I’m sorry you’ve had to get up over and over again and repeat this process and repeat it some more. I’m sorry that panic consumed you enough to feel guilty about becoming a drain on resources. I’m sorry that even then, you thought you weren’t worthy of due care.
I’m sorry it’s took so long to learn to be happy and that happiness is your own responsibility. But you’re there. We got there. And we will keep on going and pursuing and seeing the good in every situation that arises.
I am sorry for those who believe that you are wallowing. Or that you are a victim. Those people don’t matter. For they may have deeply rooted issues too. But you have been a victim and there is no shame. You’re not now though. You are stronger. You are braver. You are able to feel and experience and enjoy all of those things anxiety took away from you. Now.
This makes you not only more empowered, but more resilient, more mindful, more self-aware, more agile, diligent, intelligent, educated. This makes you more open, more honest, a better communicator, more personable. More vulnerable and more lovable.
Self, I apologise.
Now life begins. New perspective, new opportunities, new people, new places. Always learning. Always loving. Because anxiety has taught me that life is too short to be consumed with worry. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is rob you of your precious time. The past doesn’t matter and the future is unknown. But that’s OK. The present, the moment you are in right now is the moment you will never get back. All those moments stolen by anxiety.. enjoy the present. The here and the now.
Healing has no time limit. But mindset is instrumental.
So make your apologies for the way anxiety has manifested inside of you. And once you’re done, make the decision to change your life, your routine, your infrastructure! Replace “I’m sorry I’m late” with “Thanks for waiting”. The difference is profound.
Love you more than ever
Eyes wide open! Best foot forward!